To my ears, the words, “If you don’t eat rice, you will die,” sounded like nothing more than a nasty scare tactic.
This superstition (which still seems like a superstition to me), however, always made me anxious and afraid. I had never heard anything more difficult, more austere, or more threatening to me than the words, “If you don’t eat rice, you will die, so you have to work for it and eat it.

In other words, I still do not understand anything about human life. I have been tossing and turning, moaning and groaning, and even going insane at night because of this anxiety, as if my idea of happiness and that of everyone else in the world were at odds with each other. I have been wondering if I am happy at all. Since I was a child, I have often been told that I am a fortunate person, but I always feel as if I am in hell, and in fact, those who have told me that I am fortunate seem to me to be much more comfortable than I am. 　I even thought to myself, “I have ten lumps of misfortune, and if my neighbor bears even one of them, that one lump alone will be enough to save his/her life. In other words, we do not know. We have no idea of the nature or extent of our neighbor’s suffering. It may be a praktical suffering, a suffering that can be resolved only by eating a meal, but it may be the most intense pain and suffering, so terrible that it blows away the ten disasters in my example, and it may be a hell of abhorrence, I do not know. How can they go on fighting for their lives without despairing, without giving in to despair, and without suffering? 　You can be an egoist and be convinced that it is natural, and never doubt yourself, right? 　It’s easy, but isn’t that what all human beings are like, and isn’t that what makes them perfect, I don’t know, ……

How can they go on fighting for their lives without despairing, without giving in to despair, and without suffering? 　You can be an egoist and be convinced that it is natural, and never doubt yourself, right? 　It’s easy, but isn’t that what all human beings are like, and isn’t that what makes them perfect, I don’t know, …… sleep soundly at night, feel refreshed in the morning, wonder what they dream about, wonder what they think about as they walk down the street, wonder if they have enough money, wonder if they can afford to spend it all, wonder if they can afford to spend it all, wonder if they can afford to spend it all, wonder if they can afford to spend it all. Money? 　I think I’ve heard the theory that people live for food, but I’ve never heard the phrase “live for money”. The more I think about it,…… the more I feel as if I don’t know, that I am completely different, that I am completely alone, and that I am insecure and fearful. I can hardly talk to my neighbors. I don’t know what to say or how to say it. 　So I came up with the idea of clowning.

So I came up with the idea of clowning. 　It was my last courtship to human beings. I was extremely afraid of human beings, and yet I could not help but feel for them. And so it was that I was able to connect with humans just a little bit through this line of clowning. On the outside, I was always smiling, but on the inside, I was serving desperately, sweating with oil and sweat, as if I was in the most critical moment of the “thousandth number. 　Since I was a child, I had no idea how much pain they were in or what they were thinking about even when dealing with my own family members. In other words, I had become a child who never said a word of the truth. 　When I look at pictures of myself with my family from that time, I always see myself smiling with a strange expression on my face, while the others are all serious. This was also a kind of clowning of my own childish sadness. 　I had never responded to anything my relatives said to me. The slightest incident was like a bolt out of the blue for me, and I felt as if I was going crazy. 　I was convinced that I could no longer live with human beings because I did not have the power to do so.

I was convinced that I could no longer live with human beings because I did not have the power to do so. When people said bad things about me, I always felt as if I was making a terrible mistake, and I always silently accepted their attacks, and inwardly, I was scared to the point of madness. 　It may not be good for anyone to be accused or offended by others, but I see in the face of an angry person the true nature of an animal more horrifying than that of a lion, a crocodile, or a dragon. Normally, they seem to hide their true nature, but on some occasion, like a cow sleeping peacefully in a grassy field, suddenly, they reveal their terrible nature in anger, as if they are killing flies with their tails, and I always feel a shudder that makes my hair stand on end. I almost felt despair for myself when I thought that this nature might be one of the qualifications for human beings to live. 　I always trembled with fear of human beings, and I never had the slightest confidence in my own words and actions as a human being.

I always trembled with fear of human beings, and I never had the slightest confidence in my own words and actions as a human being. I was gradually perfected as a clownish eccentric. 　They were gradually perfected as clownish eccentrics. 　I was so focused on being nothing, the wind, and the sky, that I was able to make my family laugh by clowning, and even my servants and servants' daughters, who were even more mysterious and frightening than my family, were able to laugh at me. I was so desperate to serve them that I even performed clowning to their servants and servants' daughters, who were even more inexplicable and horrifying than my family. 　In the summer, he would walk down the hallway wearing a red woolen saree under his yukata, making everyone in the house laugh. My eldest brother, who rarely laughed, burst out laughing when he saw it. 　That doesn’t look good on you, Ip-chan! 　He said in a cute, irresistible tone. I’m not such a weirdo that I would walk around in a woolen sweater in the middle of summer without knowing how hot and cold it is. I would put my sister’s leg bands on my arms and let them peek out from the cuffs of my yukata to make it look like I was wearing a sweater. 　My father, who had many errands in Tokyo, had a villa in Sakuragicho, Ueno, where he spent most of the month.

My father, who had many errands in Tokyo, had a villa in Sakuragicho, Ueno, where he spent most of the month. When he returned home, he would buy numerous souvenirs for his family and relatives, which was something of a hobby of his. On the eve of his return to Tokyo, he would gather his children in the drawing room and ask each of them, with a laugh, what kind of souvenir they would like to receive on their return, writing down their answers in a notebook. It was rare for my father to be this close to his children. 　What about Yozo? 　I was asked, “What about Yozo? 　When he was asked what he wanted, he instantly wanted nothing. The thought that it doesn’t matter, that there is nothing that can make me happy anyway, flashed through my mind. At the same time, I could not refuse what others gave me, no matter how much it did not suit my taste. I couldn’t say no to what I didn’t like, and what I did like, I would steal, and I would squirm with an inexpressible sense of dread. In other words, I did not even have the power to choose between the two. This was the cause of my so-called “shameful life. 　This was one of the major causes of my life of shame.

This was one of the major causes of my life of shame. 　My father became a little grumpy because I was being quiet and fidgety, and said, “I knew it. 　Books, after all. There was a lion for the New Year’s lion dance sold at a store in Asakusa, a reasonably sized lion for children to wear and play with, but don’t you want one? 　I was told, “Don’t you want one? The clown can’t even reply or do anything. I had completely failed as a clown. 　A book would be good! 　My eldest brother said with a serious face. 　I see.