I’m finally taking advantage.

I can’t get any work done without my pills. To me, they’re like spermicides. 　Well, then, I guess I’ll just have to give you a hormone shot. 　Don’t be ridiculous. I can’t do my job without either the booze or the pills. 　Alcohol is a no-no. 　Right? 　I haven’t had a drop of alcohol since I started using that medicine. Thanks to that, my body is in very good shape. I don’t intend to keep making bad cartoons forever. I will quit drinking, get my body in shape, study hard, and become a great artist. This is the most important time for me. So, hey, please. I’ll give you a kiss. 　His wife burst out laughing. 　I don’t want you to do that. I don’t know if you’re addicted or not. 　With a click of her crutches, she pulls out a box of the drug from the cabinet and says, “I can’t give you a box, sir. 　I can’t give you a whole box. You’ll use it up in no time. Half. 　You’re a cheapskate. Well, I don’t have a choice. 　I’m going to go home and give you one of these injections right away. 　Won’t it hurt? 　Yoshiko asked herself timidly.

Won’t it hurt? 　Yoshiko asked herself timidly. 　Yes, it hurts. But I have to do it to improve my work efficiency. I’m doing very well these days, aren’t I? 　Let’s get to work. Work, work, work! 　I’ve got to work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work! 　I once knocked on the door of an apothecary late at night. When his wife came out of the door wearing a nightgown and on crutches, I suddenly hugged and kissed her and made her cry. 　She silently handed him a box. 　I had already become a complete addict when I realized that the chemicals were as filthy as, if not filthier than, shochu. It was truly the height of shamelessness. I was so desperate to get the drug that I began to copy Shunga again, and even had an ugly affair with the apothecary’s crippled wife. I want to die, I want to die, there is no way to get back, no matter what I do, no matter what I do, it will only ruin me, it will only add to my shame, there is no way I can hope for a blue waterfall on a bicycle, it will only add to my shameful sins and make my agony grow and intensify.

I want to die, I want to die, there is no way to get back, no matter what I do, no matter what I do, it will only ruin me, it will only add to my shame, there is no way I can hope for a blue waterfall on a bicycle, it will only add to my shameful sins and make my agony grow and intensify. I want to die, I have to die, and living is a sin,” he thought to himself, but all he could do was toddle back and forth between his apartment and the drugstore in a half-crazed state. 　No matter how much work he did, the amount of medicine he used kept increasing, so that he owed a frightening amount of money for medicine. Hell. 　With a determination so strong that he was willing to bet on the existence of God, he decided to write a long letter to his father in his hometown, confessing all the details of his situation (though he could not write about the woman). 　However, the result was not good at all. I waited and waited, but received no response, and my impatience and anxiety caused me to increase the dosage of the medicine. Tonight, I was secretly determined to inject myself with ten injections at once, and then jump into the big river.

Tonight, I was secretly determined to inject myself with ten injections at once, and then jump into the big river. 　I heard you had hemoptysis. 　Horiki sat cross-legged in front of me and smiled more tenderly than I had ever seen him smile before. I was so grateful and happy for that kind smile that I turned my face away and let the tears flow down my face. With that one gentle smile, I was completely overcome and buried. 　I was put in a car. Hirame, in a somber tone of voice, advised me that I had to be hospitalized anyway and that they would take care of the rest, and I just followed their orders, weeping and sobbing, as if I had no will or judgment. I was a person without will or judgment. The four of us, including Yoshiko, were on the car for a long time and arrived at the entrance of a large hospital in the woods when it was getting dark. I thought it was a sanatorium. 　I was examined by a young doctor who was very soft and patient, and then he said, “Well, you can stay here for a while and rest.

I was examined by a young doctor who was very soft and patient, and then he said, “Well, you can stay here for a while and rest. 　Well, you’re going to stay here for a while, aren’t you? 　She handed me a furoshiki package containing spare clothes, and then silently produced a syringe and the leftover medicine from between her obi belts. Did she think it was just a spermicide? 　No, I don’t need it anymore. 　It was a very unusual thing to do. It would be no exaggeration to say that this was the only time in my life that I had ever refused a drug when asked to do so. If they refused, both their hearts and their own hearts were threatened by the fear that it would create a white crack that could never be repaired. But at that moment, I naturally rejected morphine, which I had been seeking in a half-crazed frenzy. Yoshiko said 　Was I shot by a god-like ignorance? At that moment, I was no longer an addict. 　But soon after that, a young doctor with a wry smile guided me to a hospital ward, where the door was slammed shut and the door was unlocked.

But soon after that, a young doctor with a wry smile guided me to a hospital ward, where the door was slammed shut and the door was unlocked. It was a brain hospital. 　My foolish dream of going to a place where there were no women, which I had made when I drank the Diaz, had come true in a very strange way. The ward was full of male lunatics, the nurses were men, and there were no women. 　Now I was no longer a sinner, but a madman. No, I was not crazy at all. I had never been crazy, not even for a moment. But, oh, that’s what they say about mad people. In other words, those who were put in this hospital were crazy, and those who were not put in this hospital were normal. 　I ask God. Is nonresistance a sin? 　I cried when I heard Horiki’s mysterious and beautiful smile, forgot my judgment and resistance, got into the car, and was brought here, where I am now called a madman. Even if I get out of here now, I will still have the mark of a madman, or rather, an invalid, stamped on my forehead. 　I am a disqualified human being.

I am a disqualified human being. 　I am no longer a human being. 　It was early summer when I came here, and I could see the red water lilies blooming in the small pond in the hospital garden through the iron-grated window. We don’t care about your past, we don’t want you to worry about your life, you don’t have to do anything, and in exchange, you can leave Tokyo immediately and start recuperating in the countryside, even if you have many regrets. Don’t worry about it,” he said in a serious and nervous tone. I felt as if I could see the mountains and rivers of my hometown in front of me, and I nodded my head. 　He was truly a cripple. 　When I learned that my father had died, I felt as if I had lost my mind. My father was gone, that nostalgic and terrifying presence that had never left my heart, was gone, and I felt as if the pot of my anguish had been emptied. I felt as if the pot of my anguish was empty. I even wondered if it was because of my father that the pot of my anguish was so heavy. It was as if I had lost my tension. I even lost the ability to suffer. 　My eldest brother had done exactly what he promised to do for me.

My eldest brother had done exactly what he promised to do for me. There was a seaside hot spring resort four or five hours by train south of the town where I was born and raised, which was unusually warm for the northeast. He bought a very old house with peeling walls, worm-eaten pillars, and little to repair, and gave it to me, along with an ugly, red-haired maid who was nearly 60 years old. 　Three short years have passed since then, and during that time, I have been raped several times by the old maid, Tetsu, and we have had occasional quarrels, and my breast disease has gone up and down, I have lost weight and grown fat, and I have phlegm. He bought a box of Calmotin that was different from the usual box. He did not pay any attention to it, and even though he took ten tablets before going to bed, he did not feel sleepy at all.