I feel that the smell of my loneliness, which I could not appeal to anyone, was instinctively detected by many women and became one of the triggers for them to take advantage of me in various ways in later years.

In other words, I was a man who could keep the secret of love for women. [# page break] Second memoir. 　At the beginning of the school year, the mountain cherry trees, with their sticky brown fresh leaves, open their gorgeous blossoms against the blue sea, and when the snowstorm comes, the petals scatter into the sea in torrents. When the snowstorm came, the petals would scatter into the sea in great profusion, drift across the surface of the sea, and then be carried by the waves back to the beach. I was admitted to a junior high school in the Tohoku region of Japan, where the sandy beach was used as the school grounds, even though I had not studied hard enough for the entrance exam. 　My father chose the junior high school with the sea and cherry blossoms for me, partly because a distant relative of my own family lived nearby. I was left in the care of the family, and since it was so close to the school, I was a rather lazy junior high school student who would run to school after hearing the bell ring for the morning assembly. 　I was a rather lazy junior high school student, but still, I was gaining popularity in class day by day thanks to my impersonation.

I was a rather lazy junior high school student, but still, I was gaining popularity in class day by day thanks to my impersonation. It could be explained that I had finally mastered the art of clowning by then and no longer needed as much effort to mock others as before. I believe that there is a difference in the difficulty of performance between a genius and a stranger, between one’s hometown and another, between one’s family and one’s hometown. The most difficult place for an actor to perform is the theater in his hometown, and in a room where all six relatives are sitting together, even the best actor would not be able to perform. But I have performed. And it was quite successful. There was no way that such a talented actor could go to another country and fail to perform, even in the unlikely event that he did. 　My fear of mankind was as intense and peristaltic deep in my heart as it had been in the past, but my performance was so spontaneous that in the classroom I always made the class laugh, and the teacher, while lamenting in words that this class would be a very good class if it were not for Ohba, would cover her mouth with her hand and laugh.

My fear of mankind was as intense and peristaltic deep in my heart as it had been in the past, but my performance was so spontaneous that in the classroom I always made the class laugh, and the teacher, while lamenting in words that this class would be a very good class if it were not for Ohba, would cover her mouth with her hand and laugh. The teacher would cover her mouth with her hand and laugh. I was able to make even that thunderous and savage voice of the officer in charge erupt with such ease. 　Just as I was about to feel relieved that my true identity had been completely concealed, I was unexpectedly stabbed from behind. It was a student who, like the man who stabbed me from behind, had the poorest body in the class, a pallid face, and a jacket with sleeves as long as Prince Shotoku’s that were probably second-hand from his parents. As expected of myself, I did not recognize the need to be wary of even that student. 　That day, during gymnastics class, the student (I don’t remember his last name, but I think his first name was Takeichi) was observing the class with Rei, while we were forced to practice on the bars.

That day, during gymnastics class, the student (I don’t remember his last name, but I think his first name was Takeichi) was observing the class with Rei, while we were forced to practice on the bars. I intentionally made a solemn face as much as possible, yelled “ee!” and jumped toward the bars, then flew forward like a broad jump and landed with a thud on the sandy ground. It was all a planned failure. As I got up and brushed the sand off my pants, Takeichi poked me in the back and whispered in a low voice, “Waza. 　Waza. Waza. 　I was shaken. I had no idea that Takeichi, of all people, would see through my deliberate mistake. I felt as if I were watching the world burn up in an instant, enveloped in the fires of hell. 　I suppressed the feeling that I was about to go insane with a desperate effort. 　I was so afraid of my own insecurities and fears in the days that followed. 　On the surface, I was still playing the sad clown to make everyone laugh, but suddenly I let out a heavy sigh and thought that no matter what I did, Takeichi would see through it all and in time, I was sure he would tell everyone about it.

On the surface, I was still playing the sad clown to make everyone laugh, but suddenly I let out a heavy sigh and thought that no matter what I did, Takeichi would see through it all and in time, I was sure he would tell everyone about it. I began to sweat and look around aimlessly with a strange look in my eyes, like a madman. If I could, I would not leave Takeichi’s side at all hours of the day, morning, noon, and night, and I would watch him to make sure he did not tell me any secrets. While I was attached to him, my clowning around was not a trick, but a real thing. 　If that were impossible, I would have no choice but to pray for his death. I have wished to be killed many times in my life, but I have never wanted to kill anyone. I had never wanted to kill anyone, because I thought it would only bring happiness to the person I feared. 　In order to tame him, I first put on a gentle flirtatious smile on my face, like a fake Christian. 　I often invited him to come and visit me at my boarding house with a sweet voice that sounded like a cat’s paw.

I often invited him to come and visit me at my boarding house with a sweet voice that sounded like a cat’s paw. One day after school, in early summer, I was about to run outside when I saw Takekazu standing dejectedly behind the shoe box, and said, “Let’s go, I’ll lend you my umbrella. He pulled Takeichi’s timid hand, and together they ran into the evening shower. When they arrived at the house, he asked his mother to dry their coats, and succeeded in luring Takeichi upstairs to his room. 　There was a mother who was over 50 years old and a tall, bespectacled, sickly-looking sister of about 30 (she was a woman who had married someone else and then returned home again). The family consisted of only three members: a tall, bespectacled, sickly-looking older sister (I called her Anesa, like the people in this house), and a short, round-faced younger sister named Sek-chan, who had recently graduated from a girl’s school. Their main income seemed to be the rent for the fifty-six tenement houses that had been built and left behind by the deceased owner. 　My ears hurt.

My ears hurt. Takeichi said as he stood up. 　They hurt when they got wet from the rain. 　I looked and saw that both ears were badly swollen. Pus was about to flow out of the ear shells. 　This is not good. This must hurt! 　I showed my exaggerated horror and pulled them out in the rain. 　I’m sorry I pulled you out in the rain. 　I apologized gently, using words like a woman’s language. 　Then I went downstairs to get some cotton and alcohol, put Takeichi on my lap as a pillow, and carefully cleaned his ears. Takeichi, as expected, did not seem to realize that this was an evil plan of hypocrisy. 　I’m sure you will fall in love with a woman. 　He even said, “I’m sure you’ll fall in love with a woman,” while sleeping in his lap. 　However, I came to realize later in life that this was probably like a terrible prophecy of the devil, of which even Takeichi was unaware. The words “to fall in love” and “to be fallen in love” were so vulgar, joking, and so obnoxious, that no matter how solemn the occasion, they were never used in such a way. 　However, if we use a literary term such as “the anxiety of being loved” instead of the slang term “the pain of being loved,” we can be sure that the word “love” will not destroy the melancholy.

However, if we use a literary term such as “the anxiety of being loved” instead of the slang term “the pain of being loved,” we can be sure that the word “love” will not destroy the melancholy. It is strange that the literary term “the pain of being in love” does not seem to destroy the melancholy of the world.